Storm Cloud Eyes

waiting

2010-09-06T20:23:00.000-07:00

where are you? and what's taking you so long...
remind me later to be mad at your tardiness-
you know, after i'm done being grateful for your arrival.
i miss you in a way that hurts.

that's how i know you're real.

red balloon

2010-08-09T23:02:00.000-07:00

like a red balloon i let you go,
i saw you drift, i watched you float
right out of my life
though you stayed in sight
against the grey skies
for some time,
for some time...

the good news

2010-04-16T18:53:00.001-07:00

all the days that i've tried
all the nights that i cried and prayed to sleep
only to dream of you
all the ways that i fight
how i've tried with my might to find
the light; a way to tunnel through

and i feel like i've done all the right things
i've done what i'm supposed to do
i feel like i've earned the right now
to healing and something new
could i have healing for something new?

cuz it took me so long to get to
where i was before you
and now,
i'm broken down.
and as painful as this all is to me
i know it won't always be
but i
can no longer fight.
and i've tried so hard and for so long
i deserve to just feel strong
i deserve for this to be gone...
but here's the good news:
some day, i will be over you.

that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger
well, i'm still here
so how much longer til the strength?
or should strength feel like pain?

sparkling concrete

2010-04-16T18:46:00.000-07:00

It was a crisp, dewey morning. The kind where you can smell it will be warmer later so you don't wear a coat, even though it's cold, 'cause you know you'll just end up carrying it for most of the day. I was in a decent mood for someone who isn't a morning person. The air was hopeful as it always is on those first days of spring after a blistery winter.

I was walking down the street marvelling at the sidewalk and how someone thought to mix glitter in with the concrete so it would sparkle in the sunlight. It was one of those charming innovations like playing "Singing in the Rain" over the produce section when the mini sprinklers water the vegetables in the grocery store. Unnecessary, but charming. Extra effort for charming-sake. Sparkling concrete- who would've thought. And it was just as I was considering whether they use regular glitter or if there was some special glitter that particularly bonded with concrete that it happened. I wish I had a more momentous scenario to depict for you, but this was honestly it. Let me start from the beginning...

a lifetime would be nice

2010-03-30T19:36:00.000-07:00

and everytime i'm certain
you make sure that i'm not
and when i try to walk away
you make me stop
you know, this is a worthless fight
cuz i'm never gonna do what's right
when you can change my mind
on the turn of a dime

cheesy and girly and silly- oh my!

2010-03-27T12:29:00.000-07:00

you're a kiss on the cheek
you're the skip of a heartbeat
you're strong in a way
that let's my knees know they're weak
you're the touch of a hand
a sidelong stolen glance
you're a boy underneath
who knows how to be a man

you're so delicious
just wanna kiss you
this cycle is vicious-
i keep coming back to you

cuz you make me sing
you make me sing
you make me sing in a way that I don't care who's listening
you make me sing...yeah...yeah:)

gravity

2010-03-16T19:54:00.000-07:00

He gallantly extended his hand towards me and I peered up into his eyes. His confident expression faltered and I saw longing, sadness and even fear behind it. He was really trying and it wasn't easy. I couldn't tell which one of us was more terrified. His hand just stayed there suspended before me as an offering and I realized he'd never been more vulnerable. Finally, I lightly draped my fingers on his palm. In the next second, he pulled me towards him as one draws in breath and my hesitant body unfurled into his chest.

23

2010-02-27T08:24:00.001-08:00

i think this is the last piece of "danielosophy" material to be salvaged from the random bits of scrap paper and notebooks. just found this on a small piece of cardboard in a drawer! i should really work on my organizational skills....

"And there was heartbreak in your eyes
When you'd hold me a bit too tight
Your sorrow came through,
Cuz we were never meant to be
No wish I made when twenty-three
Ever came true.
I closed my eyes and blew out candles for you
But I was only 23..."

california

2010-02-04T11:41:00.000-08:00

Give me California
Give me young dreams
Take me to a place
To a place I can believe in
Walk me down the streets of Carmel
Baby, can't you tell
That I'm longing for the light
Give me songs that changed my life
Oh, give me California.

tulips

2010-01-28T17:31:00.000-08:00

i loved you forever
a long time ago
we lived out a lifetime
but you'll never know

i made you so happy
you learned how to grow
we had three bright children
that you'll never know

we bought a small house
planted tulips in rows
fought about my decor,
good thing you'll never know.

we spent christmas eve
at your cold island home
with your cold family
like you didn't know

you sifted through jobs
as i taught and i wrote
helped you find your true calling
now you'll never know.

we moved that one summer
and my favorite vase broke
you laughed when i cried
lucky that you don't know

your dad passed away
and you couldn't cope
but i held you each day
not that you'll ever know

our kids went to uni
and got married and so
we felt old together
though you'll never know

i had a health scare
you tried not to show
how you thought you might lose me
but you'll never know.

we sold the big house
used the money to go
all the places we'd dreamed of
not that you'll ever know.

i stroked your face daily
said, "i love you, you know"
and you smiled and nodded
but now you won't know

you left this world first
cuz you needed me most
tulips garnished your grave
though you'd never know.

i loved you forever
but you let me go
so none of this happened
and you'll never know.

i will believe

2010-01-26T09:09:00.000-08:00

I'm wond'ring why
My life never goes how I wanted
I'm awake tonight
Grieving dreams that are departed

So sing a song,
Sing a song for me,
Sing a sad song...
Sing a song,
Sing a song for me,
Sing a sad song and I will believe
I'll believe, I'll believe

things to understand about the storm cloud blog

2010-01-22T10:08:00.000-08:00

this isn't really a blog so much as it is a dumping ground for my writing.

it's sort of personal, but if i cared that badly about people reading it, it wouldn't be online...duh.

not everything is time/date accurate. a lot of these things i post once they're old, either because i've dealt with it and am releasing it, i forgot about it and put it up there to remind myself to work on it, or i found it on some scrap of paper and put it here so as to not potentially lose it completely.

there are mainly pictures of myself, not cuz i'm vain but because my self-portraits are normally to represent something i was feeling and have a meaning to me that i know noone else gets.

this is not necessarily an accurate example of my writing. this is rough, uncultivated, off the top of my head, emotional stuff. my real writing you'll have to buy someday when it's published!

if you're looking for an actual blog, i'm more verbal and communicative at fourhandsofabove.blogspot.com

rosebuds and storm clouds

2010-01-03T14:06:00.000-08:00

rosebuds and storm clouds, you told me.
you said you were smitten,
or was it smited?
my heart plus 'that smile', so blinding,
the words that were written,
requited,

but you, you didn't know what you were doing,
started a game without knowing the rules,
and while you were ignorantly pursuing,
thoughtless compliments became nothing but cruel
you were nothing but cruel....

rosebud lips,
storm cloud eyes,
gave one a kiss,
made the others cry,
rosebud lips,
storm cloud eyes,
brought one to life,
made the others die,

rosebuds and storm clouds you told me,
you said you were smitten,
or was it smited?
my heart with my smile, so blinding
how could you resist?
how could anyone fight it?

but you, you didn't know what you were doing,
started a game without knowing the rules
and while you were ignorantly, stupidly, selfishly pursuing
your thoughtless compliments became nothing but cruel
you were nothing but cruel
you made me love you
you didn't have to
but you made me love you
and it was nothing but cruel

nothing but- rosebuds and storm clouds you told me
you told me
you told me...

:)

2010-01-01T18:22:00.000-08:00

your eyes dance over me
your lips breathe symphonies
of compliments...

confusion profusion

2009-10-25T08:16:00.001-07:00

so confused
so frustrated about being confused
urgh......

thank You

2009-10-08T09:55:00.000-07:00

flames

2009-10-08T09:49:00.000-07:00

you make me defenseless
you make me senseless
you make me wanna do the things
i shouldn't do
and if i kiss you i know
nothing will ever be the same
but your love's killing me anyway
so let's go down in flames...

thoughts of you

2009-10-04T17:27:00.000-07:00

I speak your name in my sleep
I wake just as you're exiting my dreams
And you are always here -
Though you're never here
And I am hopelessly drowned
In thoughts of you
That never come true
And never come to more
Than thoughts of you

opulence

2009-09-21T20:56:00.000-07:00

"Don't use words too big for the subject. Don't say 'infinitely' when you mean 'very'; otherwise you'll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite."
C. S. Lewis

i had used big words all my life and lavished my tongue with the satisfaction of a well articulated phrase. and now, i had no words large enough to describe the opulent beauty of his eyes. they were downright ostentatious in a way that seemed self-imposed, though logic reminded me it was beyond his control. and yet he knew. somehow, he knew and i hated him for knowing it; even more for using it against me. but still, i loved him. i hated myself for loving him so much and i hated myself for thinking such ridiculous things. i hate myself now for writing that i was thinking such ridiculous things. and yet, i suddenly understood exaggeratingly romantic movies and books. perhaps they weren't exaggerated at all. if any one of those writers were feeling what i was feeling right then, their cliched ramblings were actually quite understated. the ultimate irony was that in loving him, i loved myself because he loved me and held me so dear that i couldn't help but love myself as an extension of my love for him. but i hated him for making me do that...

happiness is just outside my window

2009-09-09T14:55:00.000-07:00

so, i've been perusing this blog in contrast with my xanga (the latter of which died quite a long time ago...those were the days:) and i realised that if one happened upon this and did not know me, he/she would probably think i was some depressive, melancholic writer. which sucks, cuz that's not who i am. admittedly, i haven't been thrilled about my st. louis life the past year...or three, but mainly the past year;) and i guess that has come through. and essentially this blog is for me to vent and not really for an audience. but still... things are better this semester. my health issues seem to be virtually over, my classes are going well, i'm getting more involved with church- i've never had more reason to be at peace about StL life- including when God originally commissioned this still-inexplicable path. and my time here is over halfway through, which, bizzarely enough, makes me a little sad. have i used this time to the fullest? have i improved myself, my spiritual life? or have i just gained weight on processed American food and whined about missing home while having shouting matches with God over the things He won't explain? hmm... insert sheepish grin here. the past three years have had some good times, some excruciating heart breaks and a lot- a LOT - of blah moments that were uneventful and seemingly pointless. and as i read through my xanga, i wonder if i was a better person before. was i more joyful, more trusting, more loving and patient? i'm afraid that instead of progressing i've regressed. that's sad... tragic... sinful, even. loneliness has also had a recurring role in my life here. but have i made myself into someone who is deserving of the kind of man i need and want? i have two years left here. two years... i'm not going to waste it, i'm not going to wallow in the losses i've experienced in this place. the worst loss of all would be myself, cuz on a good day, i'm quite proud of that girl. and you would like her, person who's reading this thinking i'm a depressive, melancholic writer. i think you'd be friends. haha... happiness sometimes is a choice. i'll take one in pink, please...

secret

2009-08-08T11:30:00.000-07:00

is anyone ever going to love us like that?

breakthrough

2009-07-30T07:37:00.001-07:00

gravity

2009-07-27T14:53:00.000-07:00

"I'd been mistaken that first night when I thought his presence robbed me of breath. It was the opposite. My lungs were so inundated with air, I was overwhelmed by the intense capacity I now had for breathing. It was no longer involuntary, but a distinct task to accomodate the amount of oxygen that flooded into me. It was dizzying as though all my life I'd actually been deprived of an adequate amount and now suddenly, I was feeling true inspiration for the first time. It would take some getting used to for my poor, underdeveloped lungs...

...As I sat there, I felt the miles between us unraveling like a spool of thread. Soon, it would be at its end and this distinct line would just rest there, taught and suspended between us as a perpetual reminder of the distance and what was on the other end."

I'm tired of not being able to breathe.

I'm tired of the thread stretching and pulling more and more.

Come and end my misery.

Now.

something more

2009-07-10T10:11:00.000-07:00

i miss you here
though you've never been here
i lack you
as though i ever had you
and when you're gone
a piece of me is missing
a piece of me
that has never been
and i am wishing
that we were
together
as though that could ever be
as though we were already
something more...

run

2009-07-07T13:51:00.000-07:00

you're scared of nothing
except the spiders in your mind
you're always wanting
but your desire's are undefined
and you're never
gonna be all that i need
but i think you know this,
yea, i think you know this...

so, run, run
who needs closure?
i can just get over
you on my own
and i could be the one
if you would let me touch your heart
but i'm not faster than the fears
that gave you your head start
so run, run, run

if you want me
you could take me
just don't say 'maybe,'
cuz it hurts more...
than 'no.'

run, run,
who needs closure?
i can just get over
you on my own
and i could be the one
if you would let me touch your heart
but i'm not faster than the fears
that gave you your head start
so, run, run, run
run, run, run
run, run, run
what're you waiting for?

i know you want to
you knew you'd do it in the end
i knew you'd do it in the end
i've just been waiting for you to do
what you do best
run, run, run...

leeds

2009-07-07T06:08:00.000-07:00

"God bless that smile on your face

God bless the seeds in the ground

God bless my family's keen gaze,

oh, i know that whatever happens to you,

whatever happens to me,

i hope that i'll fall asleep

knowing that you'll always be

the story with no ending..."

(Lyrics courtesy of Passion Pit:)

is it possible to be depressed in paradise?

2009-06-30T03:42:00.000-07:00

There will be no tears, no sadness, no suffering
...no longing.

And here I stand, in earth's private little heaven. Sand outstretched before me to meet the tide which reciprocates with golden fingers flowing from the setting sun. And all I want is for that ocean to swallow me whole, or maybe just engulf me in its passionate embrace; feel the current surge through my being dragging me into its riotous depths. The waves crash against the rocks and I yearn to be those waves, or perhaps the rocks, just to feel something that powerful rush against me; consume me.

Lonely

The word echoes deep within me in rhythm with shore's break of the tide.

Lonely

It washes over me and in me and then yanks away from me only to flood into me seconds later. My chest is a cavernous hole that fills and drains with waves of emotion. How can I not be happy here? Who couldn't be happy here? If I can't be happy here, I won't be happy anywhere. Something is profoundly wrong with me...

too much to ask

2009-06-28T09:03:00.000-07:00

all i want is to be loved with reckless abandon.

all i want is for someone to be so secure in my commitment that he allows himself to truly love me to the fullest extent that he is capable.

and i want, in turn, to be given that same security of knowing i can be myself entirely, and exhibit my love entirely, without fear of rejection.

all i want is for someone to be crazy about me and me for him and for us to have that assurance that it is okay to feel what we feel and to show it and indulge in it and succumb to it, because we are equally besotted and neither one of us is going anywhere

...is that too much to ask?

rescue me

2009-06-11T03:38:00.000-07:00

the other day i heard a song,
it felt like it was streaming out of me.
there were no words and it still said everything i was feeling...
and i thought,

if i could find a man who made me feel what this song makes me feel,
i'd be done...

the other day, i was watching one of my favourite movies, "Practical Magic"
and this part of the script felt written by me:

"sometimes i feel there is a hole inside of me,
an emptiness that at times seems to burn,
i think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean.
in the moon tonight there's a circle around it-
sign of trouble not far behind.
i have this dream of being whole and not going to sleep each night wanting,
but still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing,
i dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for
i just want someone to love me; i want to be seen.
i don't know, maybe i've had my happiness
i don't want to believe it but there is no man,
only that moon..."

the other day i wrote a chorus,
i would rescue you,
if you wanted me to,
but you seem satisfied
with your lonely life,
and i would give my all,
i would take the fall
into love with you,
but you never ask me to...

but then i realised,
my love is always the one that rescues him.
i want someone to sweep into my life and rescue my heart-
my poor, tired, emotionally and physically strained heart - with their love.
can't i be rescued? can't i be fought for? can't i be worth the persistence?

rescue me.
i'm asking you to.

look after my heart, i've left it with you...

2009-06-10T13:21:00.000-07:00

better prognosis from this doctor.
praise be.

"I believe You’re my Healer
I believe You are all I need

I believe You’re my Portion
I believe You’re more than enough for me
Jesus, You’re all I need"

....one more test in July.

leylita dreams to melodies of songs that she can barely breathe...

2009-05-17T15:03:00.000-07:00

So, i decided to not use my music myspace...at least not that particular one. I created it as a form of creative release. I have this thing about how I have to write in order to get the emotions out of me. They are transferred from the knots in my chest to the page. But then, when it comes to certain works, melodic ones, especially, it's as though the page turns around and starts to suffocate me until the words are released into the abyss. It's like a two fold exorcism. haha... Two summers ago, I was overwhelmed with words. They poured out of me and I thought, if I don't find somewhere else to put them, I may just drown in these. So, I started that site but then people started knowing where it was and while the pressure to 'perform,' so to speak, hastened the conclusion of unfinished works in an appreciated way, I no longer felt as though it was a true abyss since people, who I hadn't even told about it, had found it and were asking, "So when are we going to hear stuff?" That became stiffling...Yes, I realise I easily become stiffled or suffocated or drowned...lol:) That's my annoying artsy side which I do very actively attempt to override in order to function as a member of the general public. But despite feeling the need for release, it all suddenly felt too personal for just anyone. And while the words are not what I'm guarding (words I have no problem with, words have always been my friend) the expression of those words seemed like...nudity. hahaha... And while this is something I have every intention of getting over (I have this thing about actively locating workable flaws and obliterating them to the best of my ability), I'm surprised to find I'm not quite there yet.

So, after months of not even signing in, I tried to delete it. And it didn't delete, which I found weird. However, I decided to just leave it as a rememberence and an inspiration to continue and its persistance to survive shifted from weird/annoying to somewhat charming. So, the particular song that I wrote almost 2 full years ago, which sparked the initiation of the myspace is called Kissable Eyebrows. I sat on the very bed where I lay right now on the 4th of July, 2007 and decided I was going to encapsulate within this one piece of paper all these details of memories I didn't want to lose entirely. And while my life has taken my poems so, so far beyond these feelings in the past two years, this particular one marks a moment, a decision, a pivot. It was a moment where I decided to lay certain memories to an honourable, cherished rest and one where I promised myself that I would not let hurt or circumstance inhibit me from being exactly who I know myself to be deep within - Someone who has strength, not just to survive or subsist, but to use trial to bound me into an even better existence. Someone who can remember the good and not let the bad fester bitterness. Someone who has a creative source within that is limited only by my own mindset. Someone who can find true comfort and consolation in God. And finally, someone who can always love; who can always find it within her to treat each person equally as worthy of love, not holding back from them out of past experience with another. Someone who can always find it within her to love one more time, every time. So, this song has great meaning for the apparent reasons. It's got all these little memories boxed up and wrapped in a bow, like a little gift of nostalgia that I can look at and go, "Ah, isn't that nice? Wasn't that sweet?" But more than that, it reminds me of what was going on in my head and heart the day I spread out on this very comforter and directed my life down the path that has led to who I am now, which in many ways has little to do with the events this song reflects and more to do with who I became after they were truly over. So, while I have hit the recording studio recently, this song has not exited my head and I feel sorry for this little song and feel it has the right to it's anonymous audience. I did post it on the now inactive myspace, but as a marker to the beginning of a fresh summer- a summer that seems like a life time away from the 4th of July, 2007- here are the lyrics to my little song.

Kissable Eyebrows

Kissable eyebrows and smiling eyes,
Lips bewitchingly mesmerize,
Sleeping locked up in your embrace,
Perfect hands placed upon my face.

Nights I prayed would never end,
Last bedtime call between best friends,
Sexy nose nuzzled in my ear,
Looks with words that only I could hear.

And I'm sorry I could never freeze time,
If I could, know we'd still be in that night,

So, goodbye brown eyed boy
And all your small town joy,
This is not my story,
No, this is not my story,
But the feeling of your lips
Upon my fingertips
Will go down in glory...
faded glory...
These memories someday will surely fade,
But not today.

Sun that gives blue eyes brown flecks,
Warm breath that chills my neck,
Distance aches between our lips,
Fingertips on fingertips.

You take my breath, then give it back,
Proclaim my beauty like a fact,
I'll always be your pom-pom girl,
Teleport me to your world.

That we could melt together must be true,
Cuz my kisses left pieces of me with you,

Goodbye brown eyed boy
And all your small town joy,
I wish you were my story,
But you're not my story,
Always craved big families,
But I don't play Monopoly,
I am not your story...
I can't be...
These memories someday will surely fade,
But not today.

Pumpkin juice and kissing ears,
Midnight closet phone call tears,
Message beeps and dropped phone calls,
"Not letting go," - despite it all.

Bedroom dancing 'til the dawn,
Cradling me in your arms,
Butterfly and floral gifts,
Comfort that is relative,

God and 'nameless' conversations,
Saying goodnight procrastination,
"You're as pretty as you wanna be,"
These things have meant the world to me.

Here's something that I'm pretty sure you knew:
Boy - I have been in love with you...

So, goodbye brown eyed boy
And all your small town joy,
You are not my story -
And I am not your baby,
We'll always have astronomy
And the times you sang to me
Will forever be our story,
These things are our story.

Goodbye my brown eyed boy,
With all your small town joy,
I wish you were my story,
I wish...
Someday I'll have a family,
But I can't play Monopoly,
And the feeling of your lips,
Upon my fingertips
Will go down in glory...
faded glory...
Oh, these memories someday will surely fade,
It's sad to know these memories could fade,
I dread the day these memories shall fade...

....Just not today.

(www.myspace.com/leylitadreams2melodies)

Thank you and goodnight!!;)

heart murmur

2009-05-10T19:15:00.000-07:00

in good times and bad
i will praise You
when happy or sad
You're the One who
provides my every need
and reminds me to believe
You're in control...
and there's no "Impossible..."

happy birthday to me.

2009-04-13T19:34:00.000-07:00

25.
24 sucked.
23 hurt.
Odds are this one should be better........right?

succumb

2009-02-01T17:46:00.000-08:00

you make me weak,
you make me weak
i try to speak and I find my lips are
otherwise
occupied
cuz you make me weak

you summon me
by the silent plea
of your darkened eyes
when they gaze in mine
they hypnotize me
cuz you make me weak

how much longer can you deny
that you are mine?
cuz, babe, i know that i...
i know
that i make you weak

you look at me and, wow,
i can hardly breathe
it's so hard to take
you intimidate
and my soul shakes but keep
looking at me
please, look at me
cuz there's no place i'd rather be
than here

i won't fight or hide
or try to lie
to myself anymore
oh, anymore...
cuz i love
how you make me weak.

still.

2009-01-24T20:39:00.000-08:00

i dreamed of you and me
and a love that burned so strong,
it lit the day.
i wished that we could be,
so hard i thought my will
would light the way.

but every thing you lacked
was more
than all you thought your heart desired,
and everytime i took you back
my tears
had already dampened our fire.

gone, gone, gone...
we finally reached that day,
so now i'm gone, gone, gone,
i ran out of reasons to stay.
but i took the best of you -
he IS the best of you.
and now, what's left of you
makes me wonder why i stayed...
why did i stay?

yearning...

2009-01-22T21:00:00.000-08:00

...for
inspiration,
creative outlets,
sensory stimulation,
vibrance,
romance,
the countryside,
a mountainside,
a full blown fit of laughter,
a new start,
a do-over on some old starts,
an afternoon nap,
an up-all-night-just-talking-about-everything&nothing sesh,
a kiss that begs nothing more,
emersion in His presence,
me-ness...to feel like me again, for the first real time...

relevant

2008-12-27T05:56:00.001-08:00

i want to make a difference in this world.

show me how.

relief

2008-12-20T04:50:00.000-08:00

so i'm home for christmas and despite missing my sister and katy! and wishing they were here, i'm good. this time last year i was anxious and christmas sucked for several reasons. it seemed like every which way i turned i could not find relief. i just finished a semester where i couldn't give a crap about what i was doing and yet i just found out my grades were not too shabby. how did that happen? only God.

i'm strangely hopeful about the new year. not that i'm not normally hopeful every new year, you'd just think by now i'd have learned my frickin lesson. i remain hopelessly hopeful though nothing ever turns out the way you hope, closure is rarely found in any satisfactory way and despite the best of intentions, new year's resolutions are never kept. except this year, i think they were. i only really had three things beyond being a good mother, which doesn't really count as a new year's resolution so much as a daily resolution.

1. to finish up all the lyrics to the only album i've ever made with any organized intention. check! 2. to not finish the year the way i was starting it. i rang in the new year with friends i don't have now and i think i knew at the time that would be true. in fact, i even wrote that to another friend, a still current friend, on december 31st, 2007. it felt somewhat hypocritical but i decided to give it one last effort and when it didn't work, i, for the first time, truly moved on. shocker. resolution 2- check! 3. i decided not to date in 2008. handy that it happened to rhyme like that. and not just not date, cuz depending on the year, that might not be an effort, but intentionally not date. 2007 was a bizarre year for me romantically and i decided that i should take one full year out of my life to realign my emotional spine. and i think that i did. it took delving into my problems a little more which was often painful. it took going to the absolute brink where i questioned if i was even capable of loving again and was scared to find that on certain days, i truly believed i wasn't. it took asking myself why exactly it was i had trust issues- and the answers ended up being much more deeply rooted than i had hoped. but i feel like i have come through something. and despite entertaining the idea of a guy...or two;)...that i know, i felt very certainly that i wasn't free just yet. i felt like nothing would be right until it was...right. i've had really lonely days but i needed them to find God in the void. resolution 3-check!

my resolution for 2009- for it to be the year that changes my life; the year where i achieve what i've been putting off; the year where i take what i've been through and apply it to the best version of me. Bring it on...

fairytales

2008-12-13T20:22:00.000-08:00

love has always been against the odds for me
yet i wait patiently and faithfully...

and i still believe
in fairytales,
that in the nick of time
he will be mine
as i'm facing defeat,
and i still believe
in fairytales,
i'm just a loving girl
who still deserves
to be swept off her feet,
and i still believe

on a white horse or in a Mustang...
i don't care how he comes
as long as he stays

and i still believe...

lonely

2008-12-06T18:51:00.000-08:00

so, here's the truth:

i'm lonely.

i wish i could say i weren't. i wish i could proclaim that i'm this super-independent woman who doesn't need a man- the woman i always believed myself to be. but i read something recently about how even if one is courageous, the continual, unrelenting necessity for courage can eventually be destructive to the individual. and sometimes, i feel that's me. i've been strong for so long, i'm whiped out. i brought my son out tonight to a christmas festival in this cute area of town. it was great- we saw santa and a real reindeer and had hot chocolate. then we went to have dinner and i saw this family at the next table. a father, mother and three kids. at one point, the mother and daughter got up to go see the christmas attractions leaving the father, his toddler son and the baby who was calmly resting in his baby carrier. the father had his little son on his lap and was playing with and tickling him and laughing. angelus turned around and saw this rapport and decided he wanted to come sit on my lap as well. i held him and asked, "do you ever miss your daddy?" No was the reply followed by, "...except sometimes when i do." my heart broke. i realised this isn't just about my own romantic loneliness or the fact that the reason it takes two people to make a child is because it takes at least two to raise one and i'm perpetually left with the responsibility of a two-person job. this is also about the fact that my son is old enough to realise he doesn't have a man around. i don't just want a boyfriend, though i miss kissing like crazy! i want a family unit. i want to offer mutual security. i want someone to get into bed with at night and not know that i am the only adult offering safety to my entire house. i want someone to pray with me and claim God's blessings for our family. i want someone who has at least some of the answers to angelus' questions that i don't. i want someone bigger than me to carry the flippin' christmas tree up the frickin' basement stairs! i want someone who is there with me the three times i've had to take angelus to the doctor this week, if only to carry our coats so i'm not doing that while carrying him AND fishing around in my purse for a health insurance card.

i had a discussion with some friends this week, one of whom is training to be a dominican priest. we were talking about the sacrifice he's made to never have a partner. i said how being alone really challenges your intimacy with God. we all say that God is all we need and believe it's true, but actually implementing that truth is harder. these past few years God has been the only husband i have had to turn to; the only father angelus has had to supplement what i am not as a mother- and i know He's done a better job than the biological one could have ever done. but i have really had to ask myself if i can allow God to supply ALL my needs- not just financially, but emotionally, spiritually and even romantically. am i willing to let Him fill the void that is in my heart? and something i've learned from those who are in relationships is this- no human is ever going to be everything you need. so if you cannot learn to go to God for what you need, you will be expecting this person to be something that only God has the full capability to be. so really, learning to let God be what you need is the only way to be satisfied with someone else for that which they CAN be to you. whatever they can't is God's job and it is unfair to expect everything of them. i realised as i listened to myself say these things that i haven't entirely practiced what i preach. maybe i'm still single because God knows i am capable of reaching this point with Him and He's just not going to impart me to someone else until i get this right.

so i'm not entirely lonely- much less so than those who don't know God or have the relationship with Him that i do. but sometimes, at the end of a long day with a cranky child that won't go to sleep i just have that moment of wishing someone else were here. i know that He is...but a tangible hug from someone who isn't 3 feet tall would be so nice right about now...

autumn

2008-12-03T12:04:00.000-08:00

spring time kisses evaporate
as summer heat begins to fade,
by autumn you were gone.

like a leaf turned to dust your love fell from me
like any other season, you had to leave
you had to leave...

i don't know that we were meant to be
there's so much that we'll never see
but as for my lips, there'll never be
another.

your lips melted into mine
and time stood still
and time stood still for us

i can't say that we were meant to be
there's so much we'll just never see
but as for my lips, there'll never be...
i don't know that we were meant to be
there's so much that we'll never see
but as for my lips, there'll never be

...another.

four matches

2008-12-03T12:02:00.000-08:00

i burned your picture today
but you didn't go away
no, you stayed,
though i watched it go up in flames
and the pieces dissipate.
it took four matches,
no less than four matches
and it was gone.
but you stayed.
and the smell it lingered
on my fingers
to show me that i'd failed
in getting rid of you
what's left for me to do?
you walked away but i can't...
though you stayed, you walked away
and i just can't.

a resident of what was

2008-12-02T15:10:00.001-08:00

i live in a house of memories,
a resident of what was,
lay me down on sheets of sorrow
where tears served as a pillow,
my dreams replay the moments
i can no longer touch,
the windows break forth light
that used to shine
upon a different life,
my frown reflects as smiles
from photos on my mirror,
the calendar is lying -
as is everything here...

misery

2008-12-02T15:03:00.001-08:00

i'm in my bedroom
and you're there
can't even bear
to walk down the stairs
cuz our first kiss was on that couch
just feel like screaming out loud,
"Go away! Just go away..."
cuz all our memories
you left here
so they could haunt
just me, my dear
and then you got to move away
feel like i'm stuck with all the pain
go away...just go away...

i hope you see my name
wherever you go
may you lay awake at night
for reasons you don't know
and when you try to run away
i hope you find my face
at every escape
i hope you see me,
like i see you.

misery loves company
but i am so alone, so alone, so alone
you're the one who walked away from me
i do hope you're happy
but i hope you miss
...me

i hope you see my name
wherever you go
may you lay awake at night
for reasons you don't know
and when you try to run away
i hope you find my face
at every escape
i hope you see me
i hope you see me
i hope you miss me...

you don't have to come back
i just hope you feel the lack
of me

i hope you see me
i hope you see me
i hope you see me
...like i still see you

storm cloud eyes

2008-12-01T16:49:00.000-08:00

a storm is brewing in my eyes
my love has capsized
your heart...

and like a ship that found its way home by chance
you washed ashore and into my hands
though you swam against the tide
you find you're still mine
and though you thought our Love was lost out at sea
your silent sorrow called out to me
i sent the winds that cast you home
though lost you were never alone...